Is Bill Haslam Muslim?

So today I was hailed down by some politically active Tennessee Democrats. Because I grew up in Bill Haslam's neighborhood and know him and his family, they asked me the BIG QUESTION:

"Is it true he's a Muslim?"

"I heard the real name is Has-salam". Et cetera.

My responses, some voiced, some not:

1. This is America, and that's not an American question.

2. Article IX, Section 2 of the Tennessee Constitution, trash. I don't speak for him, but I expect he might say that he supports that part of the Constitution, too.

3. What difference would it make, religious bigot from the party of diversity and tolerance for people we already like?

4. I suppose even bigoted voters should know the truth. So no, the Haslams are as racially pure as the driven snow, jackass. If you can't tell by looking at that English face, do five minutes of research. The name comes from hazel trees, dufus.

5. They also profess the Christian faith, and actively attend a congregation thereof. My dam long attended the same Church.

6. You are really stupid. Not as stupid as the lawyer who once tried to get a pathologist to say that Novocaine would produce a positive on a test for Cocaine because they were "Both from the CAINE group, aren't they?" (What, like candy cane? Michael Caine?)

7. Actually more evil than stupid, because you are looking for a tool to appeal to and encourage religious bigotry. There are really good reasons why that's not an American question.

(I'm all pi$$y about gossip today.)