Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Hero With Pistol Saves The Day In D.C.!



"A cowardly loser armed with a rifle walked into the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in downtown Washington today and opened fire on a security guard. He was immediately shot and seriously wounded by two guards armed with pistols.

The wounded security guard and the failure were both taken to George Washington University Hospital with serious injuries. A third person sustained minor injuries in the incident.

A law enforcement source said that "We have no intention, now or ever, of naming the zero who did this, or disseminating his ugly picture, stupid motives, or infantile thoughts. Look, in simple words for the reporters and their editors, THEY DO IT FOR THE FAME. This chickensh*t won't get publicity from us. "

Law enforcement agencies arrived, as usual for a reactive force, after the danger at the crime scene had ended.

"We did go to the place where this character lived alone, though. What a dump. Lots of porn, mostly big beefy men. And some really gross animals and men stuff. I didn't know you could get a goat to do that." The source did not have any details on the locations, but did say that damp and mildewed walls were involved, as were women's clothing items in the failure's size.

He said the museum has been "completely secured and evacuated. Not much reason for it, but we had to do something."

A spokesman for the museum, Andy Hollinger, said in a statement:

"He thought this place was full of school children. When someone stood up to him, he folded like a cheap suit. I think he might have begged for mercy, like so many Nazis did after they were caught. What a wuss."

"It's really an object lesson for us all in what this museum is about. If only these six million had had the means, and the mindset that the means would have helped them have, to resist their attackers. Then this would be a playground or an art gallery. Liviu Librescu casts a long shadow."

Police initially identified the attacker's weapon as a shotgun, but D.C. Police Chief Cathy L. Lanier later said it appeared to be a rifle. The coward, a previously convicted, incarcerated, and sodomized felon, was prohibited by several federal felony laws from obtaining, possessing, transporting, and using a gun of any kind.

"Not that he wasn't sodomized just in prison. He liked it way before that. Gross. But I've seen him, no woman would touch him. Plus there's that smell. Did I say gross?"

The gutless would-be murderer of helpless victims "came into the entrance and immediately opened fire, striking one security guard," D.C. Mayor Adrian M. Fenty said. "There was gunfire returned; the gunman was hit. It started badly, but ended almost as well as it could. Maybe he'll die, painfully, and save us a trial."

Fenty said the wounded security guard is in grave condition. The guard's name is not being released, he said. "He's a hero. But his family just wants your prayers right now."

Fenty continued, "On a policy note, I've decided that I can't figure out why this is a good thing at the Museum, yet it would be bad if it happened at Dick Heller's house. I'm suggesting to the D. C. City Council that we relax these stupid laws that make every citizen's house a helpless victim zone. That might help eliminate the ongoing holocaust in this city."


(Here's the template.)


Though that won't be the headline, or the article.

The headline will actually be,

"HOURS AND HOURS OF EXPOSITION OF EVERY ASPECT OF THE LIFE AND PHILOSOPHY OF (YOUR NAME HERE IF YOU SHOOT UP A MUSEUM)!!!!11!!! THIS COULD BE YOU ON THIS TELEVISION, PREVIOUSLY OBSCURE NUTJOB IN CELLAR!!!!! ON THE FRONT PAGE!!!! RIGHT BESIDE HEATHER GRAHAM ON HUFFPO!!!! EVERYONE WILL HEAR YOU!!! EVERYONE WILL KNOW!!!!!

Seriously, Journo experts, follow the guidelines.



If only it were a crime:

for a convicted felon to possess a rifle;

take it to D. C;

transport it on the streets;

take it into the the Holocaust Museum; and

shoot someone who

is a Federal Officer in the performance of his duty. Two of them, actually.

Oops, all six are already serious Federal crimes.

Looks like the only solution is to make it harder for people in Nebraska and Wyoming to buy a pistol!

1 comment:

reflectoscope said...

Having found my way here from Tam's, I'd just like to say that the original article is silly enough that it really doesn't need to be satirized, but I like your take on it just the same.

Jim