Monday, June 29, 2009

Mr. Madoff, are you listening?

My favourite part of this is that the money in question was offshore. So in addition to the walker induced bruises, broken ribs and cigarette burns, Herr Amburn will get a tax audit!

Word To Your Mother About Cultural Sensitivity...

"Russia's energy giant Gazprom has signed a $2.5bn (£1.53bn) deal with Nigeria's state operated NNPC, to invest in a new joint venture.

The new firm, to be called ..."

If you're not laughing, imagine some press releases or headlines:

"_____ To Construct New Refinery"

"_____ Expected To Default On Government Loan"

"Brokers Downgrade _____"

"Government Action Prevents Sale Of _____"

Monday, June 22, 2009

Obamacare in just one sentence...

It specifically exempts members of Congress and federal employees.

I suggest a new, more accurate name- the

"Affordable Health Limited Choices Act For You People"

As I am always saying about war, same with health care.

After you and your children, Senator.

Friday, June 19, 2009

My ASS for today-

It's been said of me that I have no ass, but if P. C. Bloggs can put her TITs on the web, here's an Advocacy Skills Suggestion.

When a Judge asks you a question, Lawyer, for goodness sake, don't give a direct and simple answer!

Remember, the purpose of the game is to show your brilliance. It's not the Judge's room, it's yours.

The judge can't possibly want the answer to the question. For example, "Where are you going with this line of questioning?"

You're so brilliant that where you are going should be obvious. If it's not, it's because the Judge is stupid, or you're intentionally building a mystery, and you have a big finish planned.

A vague "I'm trying to develop something", or "It will become clear later" is a good answer. It tells the Judge that all will be revealed in good time, and just to be patient.

This reassurance will calm him down so he can focus better. Whatever caused the Judge to ask the question- genuine confusion, pressure of the docket, having a funeral to go to- will wait.

And an answer like that couldn't possibly allow the Judge to wonder if you even know what you're trying to do yourself.

And it's particularly effective in front of a Jury. They are probably wondering why the Judge asked such a foolish question. And failing to answer it shows them that you know what is really going on.

Sort of like in their real lives. When the question is asked "How do I get to 1 Elm Street", a response like "Figure it out yourself" is really impressive on so many levels.

This is really a technique used by salesmen, who will tell you that when a prospect asks what the product does, it's never a good idea to tell him.

Stay in charge! Remember, YOU are the boss.

That Judge is just visiting.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Waterloo Day...

The other day in June that's one of the "handful of days since the beginning of time on which the direction the world was taking has been changed for the better in one 24-hour period by an act of man", as Andy Rooney said about June 6.

And this morning, I read an awfully sweet and sad piece that speaks to the other thing wars do, all of them.

"It has been many years since my grandmother, affectionately known as Nanny, has passed on, but I am reminded of something this morning, as I read an article posted by W of Merde In France. (Scroll down to "One day this war will end", prepare to be angry)

A lot of my family on Mom's side still speak French, as do I, minimally. It was my mother's cradle language, although she denies still being able to use it. That side of the family came from France in the distant past via Quebec.

A few years back, I was going through a pile of antique photographs from the early part of the century. There were pictures of Nanny working in a New England textile mill in Fall River, Massachussets, and also a lot of pictures of my grandfather, Thomas, who, by all accounts, was an excellent decent man. Since the accolades are universal, I tend to believe them, but I never had the honor of meeting Thomas, as he died well before I was born. Thomas did seem to have a dour, Yankee seriousness about him.

Nanny had long and eventful live. She worked in textile mills, was an actress of local notoriety, and had married a little late for the times, going on to raise five children. All the photos from this time in her life show a woman who is satisfied with her life, and proud of what she was doing with it.

There are another set of photos, whoever. They feature a 19 or 20 year old Nanny with a young man, who is not Thomas. There are not many of these photos, but in each and every one of them, Nanny is absolutely radiant, and in love. There can be no doubt that she is a very happy human being.

Booya for you, Nanny, score one for the pursuit of happiness.

The last photo is of this young man, whose name is lost to us, in a doughboy uniform.

The reason he is not my grandfather, and the reason the subsequent photos of my grandmother lack the radiant joy, is that he died a horrible, lingering death of lungs blistered by mustard gas.

His grave is in France.

Today I have to try the first case I've ever had that is too terrible to describe, even for me.

I've often said about war that the politicians who make them, who decide that they are worth that young man and that radiant girl's futures, should die first in those great sacrifices.

The same thing for the policies that make so much of the constant war I'm a REMF in happen. The Representatives and Senators and Governors ought to have to send their little six year olds to the State schools. They ought to have to live within a hundred yards of a housing project.

But anyway, that's another rant for another day.

For today, I remember Henry Buck and John Delicate. Thank you.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Today's New Words: Noncestor and Uncestor .

Noncestor: N, one whose attributes make it clear that a particular person is not descended therefrom and shares no DNA therewith; not a progenitor.

Uncestor: N, one whose attributes make it impossible that a particular person is descended therefrom or shares any DNA therewith; extremely NOT a progenitor.

"I've been reading about President Obama's family tree.

His noncestors include Calvin Coolidge and Grover Cleveland.

Washington and Theodore Roosevelt are on the uncestor page."

(Origin: 2009. Coined and first lexicographic publication by Staghounds.)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Hero With Pistol Saves The Day In D.C.!

"A cowardly loser armed with a rifle walked into the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in downtown Washington today and opened fire on a security guard. He was immediately shot and seriously wounded by two guards armed with pistols.

The wounded security guard and the failure were both taken to George Washington University Hospital with serious injuries. A third person sustained minor injuries in the incident.

A law enforcement source said that "We have no intention, now or ever, of naming the zero who did this, or disseminating his ugly picture, stupid motives, or infantile thoughts. Look, in simple words for the reporters and their editors, THEY DO IT FOR THE FAME. This chickensh*t won't get publicity from us. "

Law enforcement agencies arrived, as usual for a reactive force, after the danger at the crime scene had ended.

"We did go to the place where this character lived alone, though. What a dump. Lots of porn, mostly big beefy men. And some really gross animals and men stuff. I didn't know you could get a goat to do that." The source did not have any details on the locations, but did say that damp and mildewed walls were involved, as were women's clothing items in the failure's size.

He said the museum has been "completely secured and evacuated. Not much reason for it, but we had to do something."

A spokesman for the museum, Andy Hollinger, said in a statement:

"He thought this place was full of school children. When someone stood up to him, he folded like a cheap suit. I think he might have begged for mercy, like so many Nazis did after they were caught. What a wuss."

"It's really an object lesson for us all in what this museum is about. If only these six million had had the means, and the mindset that the means would have helped them have, to resist their attackers. Then this would be a playground or an art gallery. Liviu Librescu casts a long shadow."

Police initially identified the attacker's weapon as a shotgun, but D.C. Police Chief Cathy L. Lanier later said it appeared to be a rifle. The coward, a previously convicted, incarcerated, and sodomized felon, was prohibited by several federal felony laws from obtaining, possessing, transporting, and using a gun of any kind.

"Not that he wasn't sodomized just in prison. He liked it way before that. Gross. But I've seen him, no woman would touch him. Plus there's that smell. Did I say gross?"

The gutless would-be murderer of helpless victims "came into the entrance and immediately opened fire, striking one security guard," D.C. Mayor Adrian M. Fenty said. "There was gunfire returned; the gunman was hit. It started badly, but ended almost as well as it could. Maybe he'll die, painfully, and save us a trial."

Fenty said the wounded security guard is in grave condition. The guard's name is not being released, he said. "He's a hero. But his family just wants your prayers right now."

Fenty continued, "On a policy note, I've decided that I can't figure out why this is a good thing at the Museum, yet it would be bad if it happened at Dick Heller's house. I'm suggesting to the D. C. City Council that we relax these stupid laws that make every citizen's house a helpless victim zone. That might help eliminate the ongoing holocaust in this city."

(Here's the template.)

Though that won't be the headline, or the article.

The headline will actually be,


Seriously, Journo experts, follow the guidelines.

If only it were a crime:

for a convicted felon to possess a rifle;

take it to D. C;

transport it on the streets;

take it into the the Holocaust Museum; and

shoot someone who

is a Federal Officer in the performance of his duty. Two of them, actually.

Oops, all six are already serious Federal crimes.

Looks like the only solution is to make it harder for people in Nebraska and Wyoming to buy a pistol!

Monday, June 08, 2009


So, I was place judging at the races The three of us judges and the timer and the stewards are all in a tower at the finish line.

I've done most jobs at the races from walking hots to this one. It's the easiest, all we have to do is decide which were the first five horses across the finish line. So we have to keep five numbers in order. The hardest part is the numbers- the three and the eight are similar, and the six and the nine- but a few episodes of Sesame Street help.

Anyhow, it was a seven race card. The second or third had been run, and so we had a half an hour to kill. There weren't any horses on the track. You know how things pop into your mind, and I had a mental picture of a horse just standing still on the finish line.

So I said to the other three, just passing the time, "I wonder if it's ever happened that a horse has partially, but not entirely, crossed the finish line. "

"Oh no, that couldn't happen."

"Yes it could, you know these crazy things. One could get half way across and shy back. Sometimes they drop dead, maybe one drops on the line. Or ties up, or just runs out of gas."

"You mean at this track?"

"No, I mean ever. I mean, there have been thousands of races, surely once..."

"No way. You're crazy."

"That's not news, but even crazy people can be right. What if one just quit, half way across?"

So there followed like ten minutes of discussion of it- our consensus was that once part had crossed, the horse was finished, based on the principle that if one horse's nose crossed the line before another's, and the second horse's nose then passed the first, that wouldn't count.

I even went up to the stewards, and asked one. He too thought my theoretical example to be farfetched- "What, are you a lawyer?" He said we were right, once any part of the horse's body crossed the horse had finished- "Even if it runs across backwards."

So on goes the next race. A fairly big field of horses. Around and around, then the finish. The first four crossed in a bunch, then the fifth a couple of lengths later. The sixth was way behind. I wrote down my win order, and looked down at the track.

I saw the sixth horse gallop up the hill, slow down, and stop. With his girth on the finish line. And the jockey got off and started to unsaddle.

My companions' attention was also on the track, and they watched it too.

We kept watching, the horse still standing there. Half way across.

The jockey unsaddled and led him away, back the way he had come. His butt never crossed.

We all have a deja vu now and then. But we don't talk about it for fifteen minutes before it happens with four witnesses, and then have it occur in front of twenty five thousand people.

I was SO creeped out.

For just a moment, I felt as though I knew what God felt like when he imagined the platypus.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Citizens' Arrest, With Two By Four- Bonus Film of Beatdown in Philadelphia...

Here's a crime tip- if you live in Philadelphia, and you see yourself broadcast as the suspect in the rape of an eleven year old girl, call the police rather than going to her neighbourhood.

Although the police spokesman will practice so he can deplore, yet make us all smile at the beatdown the public handed out.

"Shortly after an angry mob pummeled Jose Carrasquillo with fists and a two-by-four..."Officers saw what they thought was a fight on the street," Deputy Commissioner Thomas Wright said. "But what they saw was Mr. Carrasquillo was being taken into custody, so to say."

I like this part- ""This is something that shouldn't have happened," Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey said. "It's good to have him off the street."

So, does he have a lawsuit for Citizen Brutality? I'm guessing he's not feeling hermano amor right now.

H/T to the prettiest girl in Roxborough.

Monday, June 01, 2009

One doesn't use one's Scotch title...

but now and again others guess what it is.