Priorities...

Out Saturday with the OFH, and T. G.'s telephone rang...

"Hello! Yes. No. Maybe so...

Hounds are drawing.

Listen, just call me after the funeral."


Because Mama will be just as dead after hounds are back to kennels.

A Specialty Publication...

So the other day I was wandering past the magazine display at the Wal Marts, and this caught my eye:



I couldn't wait to call the only actual professional magazine writer I know to describe it.

"Seems like a fairly narrow market", I said. Her immediate response:



"No, if it was narrow there wouldn't BE a market..."

"I Want To Use This Hammer For Good...

...but somehow I always end up hitting myself in the head with it."

-M. E.

Andre Maurois Must Have Been To A Hunt Do With Me...

"Since the British nation deems worthy of the name of sport any exercise which is at once useless, tiring and dangerous, I am quite ready to admit that dancing answers this definition in every way."

Special Medical Needs...

Hotgirl: "I can't see."

Staghounds: "Maybe you should go to the eye doctor for glasses."

H.: "I need to go to the Tourette's doctor for my foul language and bad attitude."

S.: "Your attitude is not that bad."

H. "F@ck you."

S.: "I stand corrected."

Getting shot at...

Every time a police officer here becomes long term unavailable for court, that department sends us a letter.

Going through the mail today, there were three notices. I told Day Wife, "Smith, Jones, and Robinson are leaving the Big City police department. Well, Robinson is on military leave for deployment. He's going to spent the next year being shot at."

"You mean, shot at somewhere different."

C O L D

Bons Mots from the Dinners with English Stag Hunters... ‎

Can't take credit for these, but they made me laugh.



"Going to executions used to be a very popular thing."

"I suppose, but it's not like watching Australia versus Pakistan in cricket."

"Ah, but what if the winners got to hang the losers?"

"Then you would have the best summer sport ever.

Except for otter hunting."

***

"I'd rather hunt a stag than talk to a pretty girl."

"What, even on a not very good day like today?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I've never actually talked to a pretty girl."

***


‎"There's no chemistry between us.

The Rohypnol wears off before the Viagra kicks in."


***

‎"I rely on my personality for contraception.

So far, it's been one hundred per cent effective."

Again With The Hilarious Day Wife...

DW(preparing to leave for the day): "You won't have to put up with me much longer."

Staghounds: "You sound like you're trying to get sympathy from your children before they put you in the old people's place"

"Listen, that might not be so bad for a little while. Get a book to read..."

"And they are all old, you could take them if they tried to cause trouble."

"They would be my b*tches. I'd have all the Ensure I wanted."



But later, she topped that-

Staghounds: "I think I'm going to take up drinking."

DW: "It doesn't help that much."

My Day Wife Is A Stitch...

We already know that my fellow prosecutor is cold as a glacier.

But funny, too. Today we learned that one of our defendants had been shot by persons "unknown" to him. The bullets threaded their way between all vital organs, major arteries, significant blood vessels, and all bones. Treated and released, despite three through and through torso and neck hits.

Upon learning of these events, her comment?

"You just can't kill these mopes".

It appears that as well as being very F. F. V., she is also from 1930.

Showing A Cat...

Two good days hunting. Saturday, one funny thing was "the Sorority". I was out with the O. F. H. Saturday. It fell out that one of their field, away at University, brought two of her friends home for a week end visit. Neither had hunted before.

All three of these pretty twenty year olds were planning to ride in the truck of another OFH hunter, also a twenty year old student at a different University and a man.

So we are getting ready to go, and A., who will be in the (6 seater) truck I am going in, says to him, "Would you all like to ride with us?"

The second most foolish question I have ever heard in the hunting field. He (and I, and everyone else) looked at her like she had suddenly been transformed into a giant hen, or something.

We all are crazy, but I did not think anyone was that crazy.

Anyway, we had a good day. Hounds ran and ran, horses galloped, there was swearing and flyung mud, and hounds caught a coyote.

Small world, one of the visitors was one degree of separation away from me through a non hunting connection!

After it was all over, I asked her if they were coming back tomorrow, and she said "YES!" with a fierce smile.

The local one, who of course hunts all the time, said "No, we have to go back to school."

"No we don't."

I was careful to explain that it took me longer to get there to hunt than it would take her from her dorm, and I managed it every week.

Show a cat the way to the dairy...

Traditionnnn!

Yesterday's bon mot, by Tam of course, following the arrival of a plate of chicken wings-

"So, how many chickens did you kill for your momentary pleasure?"

"Looks like eight or ten. And I didn't kill them, just made them double amputees."

Which was followed by a discussion of barnyard fowl cyborg technology...

I love spending time with a brilliant (in every sense) friend.

My Day Wife is COLD...

I had a telephone call from a woman who had her car stolen. It was recovered yesterday. Since she couldn't be reached, the police had it towed to an impound lot, as is the usual procedure.

There's a $150 charge for the owner to get the car back in these cases. (Seems wrong to me, but the City won't pay the private tow truck drivers and after all, it is the owner's car that's being protected, not mine.) The owner wanted to have the defendant pay the fee, but it's a little early in the process for that. Of course if he had $150 he'd be out on bail, he wouldn't waste it on restitution.

I explained all that, and she hung up.

A few minutes later I came back into the office and I heard my day wife on the telephone half way through the same explanation, obviously to the same upset citizen. As I had done, I told her that it seemed unfair to me, and that if convicted the thief would be ordered to pay the fee as restitution.

She then explained, as I had not, that an order and actual payment were two different things, and that more often than not restitution was never paid.

Then she was silent, as the owner spoke for a minute. And then my day wife said.

"Well, I guess that's why they call it victim."

I thought I was the cold one!


I remarked on it later, and she said, "I said with a smile!"

"It wasn't a web cam, she can't see through the wire."

"You know what I meant. If bad things didn't happen to victims, they wouldn't come to court."

Cold.

Hunting guilt...

When my hunt sends electric mail announcements- meet changes and such- the secretary always appends an "E Hunt Tip" at the bottom- don't let your horse kick hounds, things like that.

Today's message ended with:

"Editor’s Note: Because of the format of these e mails, and mostly because of the tremendous guilt with which each of you live, I receive many comments questioning whether the „E Hunt Tip“ is directed at you personally . . It is.

Happy New Year"

After two days in France,

struggling with the language, some people have difficulties. We were at the Boarhound meet, and one of the riders came by with some fairly odd spurs. R. pointed at them and said, "Look at those spurs, they have (holds hands up in fiddly gesture) round, round things on them."

"Rowels, R. I still speak English."

By the way, remember- low spurs mean high petticoats!

Now THIS is a case report...

My new colleague is the BEST. I asked how a case went, and I got this report.

Wee Willie Something
Went for a ride.
As it turned out,he
should have stayed inside.

It was Wee Willie's cousin
who led him astray,
He said, " I will steal me
a nice car today."

And wouldn't you know it
there sat the Crown Vic,
keys in it, still running,
just ripe to be picked.

So in it they jumped
and took off down the screet.
If the man hadn't seen them
it would have been sweet.

Then Wee Willie's cousin
let Wee Willie out.
And there stood the owner,
who said with a shout,

"Who is that sitting
behind my Vic's wheel?"
But loyal Wee Willie
wouldn't dare squeal.

That's how Willie wound up
under arrest.
He'd have been better off
If he had just confessed.

When the police came to get him
they sure didn't smile.
Wee Willie's seventeen,
a mere juvenile.

Will dealt with his charge
in the very worst way.
He said,
"I just won't go to court today!"

Wee Willie's eighteen now-
when they see him around
the cops will arrest him
and take him DOWNTOWN.

With Wee Willie's luck
they will add to the docket
a charge for the drugs
that he'll have in his pocket.

Watch out, Judge Kosinski!